"I Need Africa More Than Africa Needs Me"

"No one could make a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little."
-Edmund Burke

Exactly two weeks ago, from this very moment, I was in the Jomo Kenyatta International Airport, getting ready to head home from three of the most uplifting, soul-searching months of my life. I think I'm really starting to reintegrate into things back home. I feel like I've really adjusted pretty well, considering how much I was truthfully dreading coming home. Most of the time, it just feels like a dream. I almost find myself wondering if I really went to Kenya; it feels so surreal.

If I'm being honest, I'd say that most of the time, I find myself making a consious effort to keep the memories out of my head. I feel like compartmentalizing my memories into a little box in the back of my head is almost the easiest way to adapt to being home. Sometimes, I'll be doing the most random things, and something will trigger a memory that will flood over me.

For instance, flushing the toilet always brings me back to Nairobi, since the flusher knob is located on the left side of the tank here, rather than the right in Kenya. Funny, I never noticed that it was different back in June in Nairobi - perhaps I was so overwhelmed with new sights and experiences that the toilet flusher knob wasn't even on my radar back then - but now it's one of the things that serves as a contant reminder of the way things were there.

Or driving down the road. I will sheepishly admit that I've had more than one passenger have a near-stroke in my car over the proximity with which I've been stopping behing the car ahead of me at stop lights, gas stations, etc. In Kenya, they stop so close to the car ahead that there isn't even room for a pedestrian to sneak through. They even have mirrors aimed down at their front bumpers so they can get to within a centimeter or two of the bumper ahead of them. While I feel like my new aggressive driving skills would probably make Elly proud, they seem to scare the daylights out of my passengers, so I suppose I'll have to take it down a notch.

I guess trying to keep the memories in the back of my head probably isn't the smartest way to face the emotions I'm trying to deal with. More likely, its a fast path to a mental breakdown! It's just hard sometimes... If I really let myself think about Nairobi, I get really sad. I get sad that I don't get to see my friends and colleagues every day at the office. I get sad when I worry about the kids at the orphanage. I get sad when I think of how much fun Nat and I used to have just hanging out in our tiny little room. I get sad when I let myself remember how great it was. It's like a fist squeezing my heart, and my breath catches, and my eyes fill with tears, and it hard to even breathe.

I just miss it so much. It's hard to share stories with people, because, true to expectations, no one understands... I find myself mildly irritated when people act so surprised to see buildings and paved roads and people in suits and ties. Don't they get it? Africa has places that are just as urban and developed as here. The people are just as smart, and even kinder than people here. With a few close friends or family, I've tried to share stories. I show photos, and tell funny anecdotes, but the real stories, the ones really close to my heart, are the ones that are so hard to share. The orphanage, my experience in Rwanda, the friendships that grew so deeply, the feeling of desperation for wanting SO badly to make a measurable difference...

One of the best things I've read about Africa comes from a charity website; I don't think I could describe how I'm feeling any better than this:

When I think of Africa, the following images immediately come to mind: Starvation. AIDS. Child soldiers. Genocide. Sex slaves. Orphans. From there, my thoughts naturally turn to how I can help, how I can make a difference. "I am needed here," I think. "They have so little, and I have so much." It's true, there are great tragedies playing out in Africa everyday. There is often a level of suffering here that is unimaginable until you have seen it, and even then it is difficult to believe. But what is even harder is reconciling the challenges that many Africans face with the joy I see in those same people. It's a joy that comes from somewhere I cannot fathom, not within the framework that has been my life to this day.

The images spilling out of my television showed circumstances that could seemingly only equal misery, and I was fooled. I bought into the lie that circumstance defines happiness. The truth is, in Africa I find hearts full of victory, indomitable spirits. In places where despair should thrive, instead I find adults dancing and singing, and children playing soccer with a ball crafted of tied up trash. Instead of payback, I find grace. Here, weekend getaways are not options to provide relief from the pains of daily life. Relationships and faith provide joy. Love is sovereign.

My new reality… I know now that my joy should have no regard for my circumstances. I'm ashamed by my lack of faith, but at the very same moment I am excited by my new pursuit. I'm forced to redefine the meaning of having much or having little. I'm uneasy with the prospect of change and of letting go, but just the thought of freedom is liberating. I want what I have learned to trickle down from my head into my heart - I no longer want to need the "next thing" to have joy.

I'm not saying that Africa does not need our efforts. It absolutely does need our partnership. But for me, I've come to understand that I NEED AFRICA MORE THAN AFRICA NEEDS ME. Why? Because it is Africa that has taught me that possessions in my hands will never be as valuable as peace in my heart. I've learned that I don't need what I have and that I have what I need. These are just a few of this continent's many lessons. I came here to serve and yet I've found that I have so much to learn, and Africa, with all its need, has much to teach me.

Start a new conversation. Raise awareness of the joy and hope that exist in Africa, and begin to reform the inaccurate perception that Africa is a continent only of despair.
Many in the west think Africa is simply an object of charity. This mindset does not breed true compassion. And there's something about truth… when it becomes clear, it hits you in a way that is hard to ignore. The same is true with people. If we invest in knowing someone, love is the automatic response. We can't all make a trip across the ocean, but we can seek to have a conversation that recasts the damaging images that force pity over partnership. WHY DO YOU NEED AFRICA MORE THAN AFRICA NEEDS YOU?

-Mocha Club

That's what it comes down to for me. What can we do to help? How can I keep trying to make a positive difference from here? What is the most effective way to improve this world? With so many problems, how do you ever pick one to focus on?? I've been struggling with this alot. People have asked me how to make a real difference, and I just don't know what to tell them. This is something I'll be focusing on for the next little while, and I promise to share my conclusions here for anyone with an inclination to do their part to make a difference.

As for me, I will continue on with life-as-normal back in Chilliwack. Classes are in full swing. While the tuition is astronomical and money is a real struggle, I'm fascinated with the material, and really motivated to succeed. I'm back to work at the restaurant and the bar. While it's occasionally a struggle, it feels good knowing that there are big things on the horizon for me, and that I'm doing everything I can to carve out a future that includes a fulfilling career. Things at home seem the same. Arguments still arise about sharing clothes, or unloading the dishwasher, but I feel better equipped to deal with these petty annoyances now. And my body. While I always prided myself on the ability to eat a supernatural amount of food in a sitting and never gain a pound, I can't seem to do the same since returning home. When I over eat, I feel both stomach-sick and heart-sick. What's the point? Not only does my body crave healthy food, but I've been exercising too! To anyone who really knows me, this is an astronomical change! It's been great seeing my friends and family members too. This trip really showed me which friendships add value to my life. I am so happy to be surrounded every day by the people who make my life as complete as it is.

Overall, I feel really good. Fulfilled. Joyful. Grateful. Optimistic. Loved. I have some really exciting things happening in my life, some big plans and some dreams that are finally being realized. While I've opened up my heart and soul so publicly in this blog over the last few months, I guess it's time to say farewell here as well. It's been amazing to recieve such positive feedback from such a diverse group of people. I am so happy that I was able to share my experiences here, and I hope I've been able to touch some of you the way you've done for me. The kind of experience I had was amazing, but I'm just a normal, small town girl. This kind of thing could happen to anyone. All you have to do is be willing to take those amazing, scary, sometimes crazy opportunities when they happen to come your way. Because they always do, you just have to be looking for them. Life is the most amazing gift any of us will ever be given, and it's a crime to not live absolutely every single moment to it's fullest potential. In the words of an incredibly insightful man we met on our trip this summer,

Go safely
Go bravely
Go with health
Go where you wish to go
Just make sure you go

-Delaney xo

It's Sinking In...

"I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong"
-Rascall Flatts

Being back home is harder than I though. Well... I guess that’s not quite true. It’s not necessarily harder so much as way more intense than I thought it would be. I’ll be doing the most ordinary things and it’s like a booming voice hits me like a sledge hammer: YOU ARE NOT IN AFRICA ANYMORE!

I’ve had so many moments where I’ve almost had to pinch myself to see if I’m really truly back home, living the same life as before. The most surreal moment happened last night at our “Intern/Traveler Reunion”. While 48 hours was a little too soon for a big reunion party, Hans was in Vancouver for just a few days, so we wanted to reunite while he could still join us. Shelby and I headed downtown to Joeys, an upscale restaurant where Amanda works. She was bartending, so we sat at the bar and had a drink waiting for everyone to show up. A little while later, we were joined by Hans, Corrine, Graham and his beautiful girlfriend Jenna, who we’d all heard SO much about!

It was sitting there with them that it finally hit me that I am really home. It wasn’t really a happy realization either, to be honest. There we were, in this totally trendy restaurant in the city, drinking fancy cocktails, dressed up for a night out, and it just didn’t feel right. The last time we were all together we were drinking dirt cheap Tuskers, our clothes covered in actual dirt, sitting around the living room in our suite, and we all seemed a lot happier. At least, I was a lot happier.

It’s only been three days at home now, and I miss Kenya so much it hurts. I keep thinking of all of my friends, who are literally on the other side of the globe, and wishing I could see and talk to them. I keep thinking about the kids at the orphanage and wondering how they are. I keep looking at my clock and trying to figure out what time it is there, to try and imagine what I’d be doing at this precise moment if I was still there. (For example, it’s now Sunday morning there, so I’d probably be walking to Yaya Center to have Java House breakfast and then hit up the Masaai Market).

Things here, as I had anticipated, are just the exact same. I’m disappointed to say that living back at home seems like it’s going to be quite a struggle. I find myself getting so frustrated over the simplest things. For instance, living with roommates is pretty awesome; everyone respects privacy and personal possessions, and gives you space when you need it. With family, there doesn’t seem to be any boundaries. Doors don’t get knocked on, unpleasant thoughts don’t seem to be held inside quietly. That’s unfortunately the bad side of a close family: sometimes you are so close that things like tact and privacy seem to go by the wayside.

Seeing friends and family has been a mostly positive experience though. It is so nice to get a genuine warm welcome home from people, but finding things to say seems a bit tricky sometimes. When people say “Tell me about Africa!!!”, it’s hard to know where to begin. It’s sometimes doesn’t even seem like it would be worth the effort. Even if I could pick a story that could entertain or amuse someone, could they ever really feel the story the way I wish they could? Most people probably couldn’t. I’m scared to open my heart and share personal things, lest the memories lose some of their sacredness. Maybe that’s silly, but it’s like at this point, the memories are what are keeping me going, and it’s almost like I want to keep them as safe and pristine and guarded as I can.

All of the things I was looking so forward to just haven’t met my expectations. I haven’t even been to Dairy Queen, which was one of the things I missed the most this summer. I had a piece of cheddar cheese yesterday for the first time, and it just wasn’t as spectacular as I was hoping. Clean tap water is nice, but I’m realizing that even having sufficient bottled water there was enough that I should have been thankful for it. (The one thing that I did exceed my expectations is Starbucks!! My Grande Caramel Cappuccinos are keeping me sane right now!!).

I guess I’m just trying to say that I miss Kenya. A lot. It’s hard being home. It’s hard not having Nat to talk to every waking second. It’s hard driving around by myself, without Elly in the other seat keeping me smiling and laughing. It’s hard getting up in the morning and not having a job to be excited about heading to. It’s hard to try and put words to what I’m feeling inside.

But most of all, it’s hard to have my body on one side of the planet, and my heart on another.

-Delaney xo

Welcome Home!

"The world is full of opposites and reversals, that to find something new you must first admit that you are lost, that it’s the hard ways that lead to a new future and the easy ways to repeating the past, that ignorance allows you to attempt the impossible but that familiarity is the birthplace of respect, and that finally and most importantly, in an increasingly frantic world without walls, with fast jets and superhighways for body and thought, to speed up you need to first slow down."
Patrick Donohue

Being home is as much of an emotion-rollercoaster as being gone was. After my last day of work, I sort of felt numb. I slept well that night, and the entire drive to the airport in the morning, it didn't really hit me that I was leaving. Nat and I held hands and cried as the plane was taking off. I was asleep within minutes thanks to the two gravol I had cleverly popped, and slept the entire flight.

After we got off the plane in Amsterdam and got out of our gross flying clothes, we hopped the train for the city center. It was on the short ride that it hit me: we aren't in Africa anymore. I was flighting back tears the whole ride, feeling completely devastated. We split off in the city, with Heather heading for a hostel, and Nat and I going off to meet Marleen, my new friend in Amsterdam. Once we met up with her, we headed to a cute little alley filled with little restaurants, and settled on Greek for dinner. We polished off a litre of wine in a hurry, and quickly became good friends by sharing boy tales (what else brings girls closer quicker?!). Then Nat went off to meet one of her friends, and Marleen and I hopped the train to her house for the night. She lives in student residence in an old container! It's like a shipping container that you'd see on a boat or train! They have made entire buildings out of them. It was truly the most original and totally awesome apartment I'd ever seen.

The next morning, she headed to work, and I met up with Nat in the city center, where we did some serious shopping before heading back to the airport. The flight home was 9 long hours of boredem. I was stuck on an aisle seat, beside an elderly Israeli couple who needed to get up and stretch their legs on such a regular basis that I didn't sleep a wink the entire trip.

Landing in Vancouver was incredibly bittersweet. I loved seeing the mountains as we cruised into the city, and it reminded me of the beauty of home! It didn't take long to get our bags, and before long, Mom, Shan and I were headed towards home! We stopped in Langely at Dennys for a quick dinner, and I was home by about 9pm, which is almost 48 hours after I left my house in Nairobi. After an AMAZING hot clean shower, I spent a few hours with Mom and Shan going through my suitcases of souveneirs and sharing photos. As I was heading off to bed, I was checking my email, and Elly signed on Skype, and I was able to video chat with a bunch of people from the ARO, which was EXACTLY what I needed at that moment!

I woke up today and was hit with a wall of sadness when I realized that I wasnt' in Africa. However, I had an inbox filled with a few really kind messages, and they totally turned my mood around, and so the day was off to a good start. I spent the whole day running all around town doing about a million and a half errands. However, now the car is aircared and insured, I have new glasses (Oops! Stepped on the old ones in Amsterdam...), I got "debreifed" with Cherie and the interns, I saw a ton of friends, and I got to see the new and improved Ryder Lake Hotel aka Grandma and Papa's new house.

Now I've been home for about twenty four hours, and in a way, it feels like I never left. I've had alot of insights into what will clearly be the biggest struggles of being home, but jet lag is taking it's toll, so the deeper thoughts will have to wait until another day!

-Delaney xo