"I Need Africa More Than Africa Needs Me"

"No one could make a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little."
-Edmund Burke

Exactly two weeks ago, from this very moment, I was in the Jomo Kenyatta International Airport, getting ready to head home from three of the most uplifting, soul-searching months of my life. I think I'm really starting to reintegrate into things back home. I feel like I've really adjusted pretty well, considering how much I was truthfully dreading coming home. Most of the time, it just feels like a dream. I almost find myself wondering if I really went to Kenya; it feels so surreal.

If I'm being honest, I'd say that most of the time, I find myself making a consious effort to keep the memories out of my head. I feel like compartmentalizing my memories into a little box in the back of my head is almost the easiest way to adapt to being home. Sometimes, I'll be doing the most random things, and something will trigger a memory that will flood over me.

For instance, flushing the toilet always brings me back to Nairobi, since the flusher knob is located on the left side of the tank here, rather than the right in Kenya. Funny, I never noticed that it was different back in June in Nairobi - perhaps I was so overwhelmed with new sights and experiences that the toilet flusher knob wasn't even on my radar back then - but now it's one of the things that serves as a contant reminder of the way things were there.

Or driving down the road. I will sheepishly admit that I've had more than one passenger have a near-stroke in my car over the proximity with which I've been stopping behing the car ahead of me at stop lights, gas stations, etc. In Kenya, they stop so close to the car ahead that there isn't even room for a pedestrian to sneak through. They even have mirrors aimed down at their front bumpers so they can get to within a centimeter or two of the bumper ahead of them. While I feel like my new aggressive driving skills would probably make Elly proud, they seem to scare the daylights out of my passengers, so I suppose I'll have to take it down a notch.

I guess trying to keep the memories in the back of my head probably isn't the smartest way to face the emotions I'm trying to deal with. More likely, its a fast path to a mental breakdown! It's just hard sometimes... If I really let myself think about Nairobi, I get really sad. I get sad that I don't get to see my friends and colleagues every day at the office. I get sad when I worry about the kids at the orphanage. I get sad when I think of how much fun Nat and I used to have just hanging out in our tiny little room. I get sad when I let myself remember how great it was. It's like a fist squeezing my heart, and my breath catches, and my eyes fill with tears, and it hard to even breathe.

I just miss it so much. It's hard to share stories with people, because, true to expectations, no one understands... I find myself mildly irritated when people act so surprised to see buildings and paved roads and people in suits and ties. Don't they get it? Africa has places that are just as urban and developed as here. The people are just as smart, and even kinder than people here. With a few close friends or family, I've tried to share stories. I show photos, and tell funny anecdotes, but the real stories, the ones really close to my heart, are the ones that are so hard to share. The orphanage, my experience in Rwanda, the friendships that grew so deeply, the feeling of desperation for wanting SO badly to make a measurable difference...

One of the best things I've read about Africa comes from a charity website; I don't think I could describe how I'm feeling any better than this:

When I think of Africa, the following images immediately come to mind: Starvation. AIDS. Child soldiers. Genocide. Sex slaves. Orphans. From there, my thoughts naturally turn to how I can help, how I can make a difference. "I am needed here," I think. "They have so little, and I have so much." It's true, there are great tragedies playing out in Africa everyday. There is often a level of suffering here that is unimaginable until you have seen it, and even then it is difficult to believe. But what is even harder is reconciling the challenges that many Africans face with the joy I see in those same people. It's a joy that comes from somewhere I cannot fathom, not within the framework that has been my life to this day.

The images spilling out of my television showed circumstances that could seemingly only equal misery, and I was fooled. I bought into the lie that circumstance defines happiness. The truth is, in Africa I find hearts full of victory, indomitable spirits. In places where despair should thrive, instead I find adults dancing and singing, and children playing soccer with a ball crafted of tied up trash. Instead of payback, I find grace. Here, weekend getaways are not options to provide relief from the pains of daily life. Relationships and faith provide joy. Love is sovereign.

My new reality… I know now that my joy should have no regard for my circumstances. I'm ashamed by my lack of faith, but at the very same moment I am excited by my new pursuit. I'm forced to redefine the meaning of having much or having little. I'm uneasy with the prospect of change and of letting go, but just the thought of freedom is liberating. I want what I have learned to trickle down from my head into my heart - I no longer want to need the "next thing" to have joy.

I'm not saying that Africa does not need our efforts. It absolutely does need our partnership. But for me, I've come to understand that I NEED AFRICA MORE THAN AFRICA NEEDS ME. Why? Because it is Africa that has taught me that possessions in my hands will never be as valuable as peace in my heart. I've learned that I don't need what I have and that I have what I need. These are just a few of this continent's many lessons. I came here to serve and yet I've found that I have so much to learn, and Africa, with all its need, has much to teach me.

Start a new conversation. Raise awareness of the joy and hope that exist in Africa, and begin to reform the inaccurate perception that Africa is a continent only of despair.
Many in the west think Africa is simply an object of charity. This mindset does not breed true compassion. And there's something about truth… when it becomes clear, it hits you in a way that is hard to ignore. The same is true with people. If we invest in knowing someone, love is the automatic response. We can't all make a trip across the ocean, but we can seek to have a conversation that recasts the damaging images that force pity over partnership. WHY DO YOU NEED AFRICA MORE THAN AFRICA NEEDS YOU?

-Mocha Club

That's what it comes down to for me. What can we do to help? How can I keep trying to make a positive difference from here? What is the most effective way to improve this world? With so many problems, how do you ever pick one to focus on?? I've been struggling with this alot. People have asked me how to make a real difference, and I just don't know what to tell them. This is something I'll be focusing on for the next little while, and I promise to share my conclusions here for anyone with an inclination to do their part to make a difference.

As for me, I will continue on with life-as-normal back in Chilliwack. Classes are in full swing. While the tuition is astronomical and money is a real struggle, I'm fascinated with the material, and really motivated to succeed. I'm back to work at the restaurant and the bar. While it's occasionally a struggle, it feels good knowing that there are big things on the horizon for me, and that I'm doing everything I can to carve out a future that includes a fulfilling career. Things at home seem the same. Arguments still arise about sharing clothes, or unloading the dishwasher, but I feel better equipped to deal with these petty annoyances now. And my body. While I always prided myself on the ability to eat a supernatural amount of food in a sitting and never gain a pound, I can't seem to do the same since returning home. When I over eat, I feel both stomach-sick and heart-sick. What's the point? Not only does my body crave healthy food, but I've been exercising too! To anyone who really knows me, this is an astronomical change! It's been great seeing my friends and family members too. This trip really showed me which friendships add value to my life. I am so happy to be surrounded every day by the people who make my life as complete as it is.

Overall, I feel really good. Fulfilled. Joyful. Grateful. Optimistic. Loved. I have some really exciting things happening in my life, some big plans and some dreams that are finally being realized. While I've opened up my heart and soul so publicly in this blog over the last few months, I guess it's time to say farewell here as well. It's been amazing to recieve such positive feedback from such a diverse group of people. I am so happy that I was able to share my experiences here, and I hope I've been able to touch some of you the way you've done for me. The kind of experience I had was amazing, but I'm just a normal, small town girl. This kind of thing could happen to anyone. All you have to do is be willing to take those amazing, scary, sometimes crazy opportunities when they happen to come your way. Because they always do, you just have to be looking for them. Life is the most amazing gift any of us will ever be given, and it's a crime to not live absolutely every single moment to it's fullest potential. In the words of an incredibly insightful man we met on our trip this summer,

Go safely
Go bravely
Go with health
Go where you wish to go
Just make sure you go

-Delaney xo