Massive poverty and obscene inequality are such terrible scourges of our times – times in which the world boasts breathtaking advances in science, technology, industry, and wealth accumulation – that they have to rank alongside slavery and apartheid as social evils.
Nelson Mandela
Man, what a rollercoaster of emotion this week has been. Our trip to Mombasa is coming to an end...it’s our last night here, and, like the grandmothers that we are, we were in our rooms in bed by 1030pm. We are busy every night trying to finish off our course work so that we can head home without a ton of work over our heads. Would you believe it if I told you this was actually a late night? We’re basically the worst college students you’ve ever met. We have done no partying, no drinking, no wild behaviour whatsoever.
Nat and I are totally done. We are just so completely emotionally done. We have cried on a regular basis. And by regular, I mean hourly. I remember how scared I was to come here at the beginning of the summer. I had a countdown going to September 1st since the day I found out I was coming. And now, with only three nights left in Africa, I feel like my heart is positively broken. I would do anything to stop the passage of time. This country, this continent, these people, the sights, the smells, the feeling of Africa, my entire heart and soul is completely captured.
Nat and I have been listening to “A Race Against Time”, a lecture series by the amazingly remarkable Stephen Lewis, a fellow Canadian. I truly could not recommend a better way to spend five hours than listening to this man speak about the ravage of AIDS in Africa. Listening to his angry, driven words is the most heart-wrenching, soul searing, eye opening, ignorance-shattering experience you could ask for. Nat and I have wept, mascara literally pouring down our faces.
Anger. It’s literally coursing through my veins. And sadness. Despair. Hopelessness. Anguish. This continent is the most amazing place I’ve ever been or could hope to be, and the things we’ve seen and heard are so horrifying that it would literally shatter you. AIDS, hunger, preventable diseases like malaria, ethnic conflict...it’s disgusting. The state of this world makes me positively sick to my stomach, because the problems being faced here are solvable. And it’s not just my young, naive, barely-educated mind that feels this way. The experts all agree that it’s possible. And yet, not enough is being done. Not even close.
I give my sincerest apologies that I can’t bear to type out some of the many thoughts in my head tonight. I hope one day to provide a post with a really great summary of the things I’ve learned. But today, I’m just too sad. It’s overwhelming, really.
I just don’t want to go. It doesn’t seem right to go back home to washing machines, and a new car, and a fridge full of food, and a full course-load of classes. All of these amazing opportunities and abundances that I always took for granted before. How can I just return to the life I had before? I’ve been in contact with two of our fellow students, who have both returned home before us, and both have indicated quite a degree of emotional struggles trying to re-adjust to life at home.
Here’s a few words written by a dear friend of mine upon returning to Canada from three months in Uganda a few summers ago:
“I'm trying to make sense of Africa...I'm trying to make sense of a void that's formed between my heart and throat...one that I feel every time I eat a banana and think that it tastes like a dull paste compared to the awkward and bruised bananas that came from the village. And I get so mad at people I see in their new cars....in their expensive apartments...in their bubble of ignorance. I'm so restless....Don't they know people are dying? Or don't they care?”
For me, knowing that I have such an amazing family and friends at home is the only thing that is keeping me sane right now. Seeing everyone makes me excited, but nervous as well. I’ve changed so much, and yet the ones I love the most are naturally still the same. I don’t mean this in a bad way at all. I love those close to me unconditionally, and am completely indebted to their unwavering love and support.
But what about me? I have changed. How could anyone really ever understand? The questions just plague me...Will I still be able to find joy in the same things? Will I still enjoy long drives with my sisters in the car, belting out tunes, or will I refuse to pollute the environment with an un-essential long drive? What about a night out drinking and dancing with my friends? Will I be able to enjoy the carefree fun, or will spending money on things like that lose the appeal now that I know how much further that money could go across an ocean? Will I be able to waitress, and spends my days scraping half-full plates of food into the garbage, when I now know starving African children by name? I know who I was before, and I know who I am here, but who will I be back home? How will I find a balance?
-Delaney xo
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